…You definitely get my neighborhood – #1 hit – Kensington, Brooklyn. Proud owners of zip code 11218.

How bad is it you ask?

I wondered the same myself when I mailed my first rent check before moving only to discover weeks later that it never showed up. So I had to put a $32 stop order in at the bank, which sucked, and resend it. I even thought perhaps this was an aberration as thankfully, the second check (cleverly disguised with a blank sheet of paper as a letter) got through fine. But after a month living here I’ve learned my roommate’s Netflix DVDs had been disappearing at an alarming rate and, upon further inquiry, that he sends all his packages to work because of our mail’s unreliability.

These disturbing facts led me to investigate. And what I found is even more disturbing. It’s been documented:

on the neighborhood blog

My favorite: Top Ten Reasons why Kensington is better than Park Slope
10) Instead of the Pavilion, we have the Kensington Post office, and the shows are free every day.

as well as an online petition.

Furthermore, it’s been filmed in really really sad/funny/sad YouTube videos here and here .

I then looked at user comments on Google Maps, YouTube, and Yelp. Here are some of the juiciest bits:

Come here for ritualized abuse, humiliation, and a total lack of services. You must be prepared for not getting what you desire finished, and for the better part of your day to be wasted while being treated the worst you’ve ever experienced in your life. Further, there are no automated services, pens, forms, envelopes, boxes, or anything that may be of any help to anyone, as this is not the purpose of this facility. This facility is here to hurt you.

also…

This post office loses my mail. LOSES MY MAIL!  How is this possible?? What the hell are they doing??!  Are they throwing it away?  Enjoying the $20 my mom sent me for Valentine’s day despite the fact that I’m 30 and in a relationship?  Are they reading my New York magazine as they do FUCK ALL and still get paid? Are they cashing the reimbursement check that my insurance company sent me?

Seriously.  Inquiring minds want to know.

Should any of you out in Yelpland have the pleasure of visiting this post office to mail or pick up a package, bring the following with you: ID, a snack, a book, and a sedative. The Kensington Post Office was surely recalled when Dante wrote the Inferno as this place is one of the 7 levels of Hell.

Oh and the post office makes NO attempt to deliver your packages and will invariably leave that dreaded salmon colored slip to let you know there’s a package waiting for you at the post office.  They claim to have attempted to deliver it, but no one was home.  Seriously?  My girlfriend was home all day to receive it.  So yeah, they lie in addition to losing your mail.

and in summation…

joesav27 (1 month ago)

this IS the worst post office in Brooklyn!!!!

viperfishsasori (1 week ago)

You are so correct!

So! If you want to send me a letter or some love anytime during the next year please do it through email. Or if it really has to be snail mail I can give you a friend’s address and they can get it for me. It’s just not safe here!  And if you get mail from me, have the satisfaction of knowing I really love you because I’m going out of my way to send it to you!

Of course I might have to go once just so I can bitch about it, but rest assured after that I plan to avoid it like puke on the subway!

So after waking up this morning and calling the temp agency to no avail (really, outside of the whole “I need money” thing, this is ok with me), I decided that I should be productive. So after spending time researching acting work online, I decided that maybe I should get together a mailing to send out to agents/casting directors, etc. to let them know what you, dear reader, already know, which is to say, I’m living in New York.

Unfortunately, I did not have the requisite materials (manilla folders, post cards, etc.) and thus I was led back to the internet for directions to the nearest Staples, which was not as near as I had hoped. It was only about a mile away (and I’m not above walking for a mile, in fact I enjoy it), but as I wasn’t as keen on walking back with an annoyingly large bag full of office supplies, and there was no subway station close by which wouldn’t take me an hour out of my way, I was stumped.

I then remembered that there was a bus system, and sure enough, it went exactly where I needed it to go. In fact it worked so well that I have nothing more to say about the matter. Take the bus! It’s that simple.

I think I’ve just had my first encounter with the dark side. No, not Star Wars people, the dark side of the city! Someone tried to scam me into signing up for a “talent group” which requires a $20/month subscription and gets you… well that is the question.

This must mean I’m a real actor now! or something.

I’m actually fascinated by the scam though for its brilliant simplicity.

1) Post a fake ad on Craigslist for a decent paying non-union commercial in a large city
2) Let the email submissions roll in (did I mention there are a lot of actors looking for work?!)
3) Eventually call said actors back, tell them you like their look, ask about their history (typical getting to know you questions), and then say you’ll send an email to them.
4) Send said email, which might look something like this

Hello David,

It was a pleasure speaking with you, and needless to say, we are very excited about the prospect of embarking on a professional relationship with you. Below, you will find that I have outlined the next immediate steps you need to take in order to have your Go-See account activated. This is not a site in which you would upload images or create a profile, talent is not selected in that fashion.

As soon as this is accomplished, we may begin the process of distributing your photos to our catalog of clients, as well as sending you current and available castings that you are free to pursue at your own choosing, and for which you can distribute your own photos. This is a team effort, so it is imperative that you complete these steps with in the next 48 hours, and please call me once you have done so.

The Activation Process:
Log on to: http://www.goseegifts.com/, then click the “Daily Castings” tab located along the top Main Menu; click the tab that reads: “View Sample & Subscribe” and immediately begin the registration process. The sooner you register and notify us of the completion of these final steps, the sooner we may begin sending you exclusive Daily Castings directly to your email inbox, which you may begin applying for at once. The fee for this service is only $19.95 per month. There is no contract. So if you wish, you may cancel at anytime without penalty.

Use this link to access the subscribe page for the Daily castings
http://www.goseegifts.com/castings.html

We also need your photos on file so that we may begin submitting them on your behalf, for different castings free of charge. Please email the following: Actors (1) headshot and resume, Models (1) composite card and resume. You may email as many images as you like, we will keep what we feel are best for our submissions.

Hard Copy mail pictures to:
Go-See Talent Dept.
P.O. BOX 1134
OAKS PA, 19456

Recent Projects:
Conair Print ($6,000), The Book of Eli (Denzel Washington), Applebee’s Commercial, Ugly Betty (Episodic), Johnson & Johnson (Print $5,000), The Rum Diary (Johnny Depp), Sprint (Print $5,000), Father of Invention (Kevin Spacey), Torrid Catalog ($5,000), Proctor & Gamble Print ($1,000), Karate Kid (Jaden Smith), Target Print ($5,000), Law & Order, Panasonic (Commercial $4,000), Salt (Angelina Jolie), Nike (Print $2,500)
****JUST TO NAME A FEW*****

Send additional pictures to: donna@goseegifts.com

If you have any questions please do not hesitate to call. 610 584 2330
Looking forward to working with you!

Respectfully,
Sarah DeFreitas
Go-See
Talent Services Department

* notice keys factors
1) Flattery – who doesn’t want to be told they’re loved
2) Professional(con)ism – From the receptionist… to the intern… to having a cool website that gives no actual info…
3) Getaway – Use a P.O. Box and online credit subscriptions
4) Scam – Ask for an upfront subscription fee
5) Execution – Wait for some poor sucker to give you their credit card

It’s brilliantly lovely. Fortunately, it only works if all five steps are completed. And although I’ll probably get to look forward to some lovely spam, I’m kind of thrilled to have the experience. It’s like that one time in Paris where some dude tried to pick-pocket me, but that’s a story for another time…

Hoorah for NYC adventures!

Being an actor in New York is really hard.

I’ve been to three Equity Professional Auditions (EPAs) as an Equity Membership Candidate (EMC) since I came to the city. For those of you unfamiliar with this ritual, it involves waking up at the ass-crack of dawn (6:30 AM), arriving at the audition center an hour before the audition starts (8:30 AM) waiting in line to sign up for an EMC alternate slot for when the audition begins (9:30 AM) and waiting/hoping that either a) the auditions slots do not fill up with Equity members (which has never happened so far), or b) aforementioned Equity members fail to show up for their slot and thus you are picked up the alternate list to audition. Of course, part b comes with the caveat that Equity actors can always come late and essentially cut in front of all EMC and non-Equity actors for a place in line. If you are Equity, this is a godsend. It means you can have a life, a job, a nap…

If you aren’t… well this means you wait in uncertainty until the audition is over (5:30 PM) and you might not get seen. That’s 9 hours of waiting for naught for those of you counting at home.

This has happened to me twice.

And this is why I am ecstatic. Today, I broke the unlucky streak. Today I had my first New York audition. I don’t expect to get a job from it, but I had a chance to act, for 2 minutes, in front of a casting director who just so happened to have come down to see us at the Humana Festival! I got in the room!

Awesome!

p.s. I was the very last person seen today at #15. I forgot to say that. I was about 15 seconds this morning from losing 9 hours and feeling really sad. I still feel bad for the friend I met from the second EPA who was #16 on the EMC list. We went to lunch together. He’s a nice guy. It will be nice when we’re all Equity. *sigh*

“Sometimes” (grr..) New York is weird.

Seriously, I’m retyping these stories because they made me laugh, and think, and laugh. Alas, here’s to trying to remember….

Yesterday I went to the Time Warner Center on Columbus Circle, near the southeast corner of Central Park. It’s actually a gorgeous building which houses a Borders Bookstore (where I finally picked up a copy of the Not For Tourists Guide to New York) and a Whole [Paycheck] Foods, which encompasses the entirety of the building’s basement floor. I was in awe, and then I saw the checkout line. Or rather I saw a bored man standing with a sign on a long pole, which indicated where the line began. As we turned the corner, the line diverged into three single-file queues, each of which wrapped back and forth like airport terminal security check points before emerging in a forest of illuminated cash registers complete with entwined metal foliage. The driving force behind these 40+ registers, stood at the edge of each line: A large television screen, mounted from the ceiling, and an automated voice. Their combined aural/visual assault of “39″ “12″ “24″ would send their smiling customers to the first available cashier, where they could buy their overpriced organic groceries and happily emerge into the city in a manner that I felt somewhat akin to any number of terrifying science fiction books in which we lose our humanity to machines.

That being said, those groceries made a damn good curry. Thanks Nancy.

So, then we were on our way back, riding the express train towards Harlem, when I saw the most amazing guerilla performance yet from my time here. Three breakdancers, my age or younger, put on a show in which a) the train was jolting around, b) no one got kicked in the face, and c) they were incredibly impressive. I would have given them money if I wasn’t jobless. I wish I could breakdance…

Nancy later told us a story in which a man on the train was asked by a breakdancer if he wanted to see something amazing, and when the man responded in the affirmative, the dancer a) swung around the pole, b) kicked him in the face, c) took his wallet and ran. 

Oh, New York…

I’m mad at you. I had a post I really liked, and when I posted it all you displayed was “Sometimes.” And my post is gone. 

This deeply saddens me.

- db

Sometimes