I think my desk clock is broken. It’s a really nice clock I received for having “consistently demonstrated excellence in acting” by the culmination of my four year stint at Centre. Funny story, I was actually tore up about it when I received it because I didn’t get the award given to the person “judged to have contributed most to the Dramatic Arts Program over a period of four years.” Whatever. Perspective is everything. Now I just want my clock to work. I changed the batteries and it’s still slow. Feels like my acting career.

I did have my call back for the New Georges’ production of Milk this morning, though! I thought it went well enough. Through a mixup, I didn’t receive the new audition material, but I’d read the entire play in order to prepare, so with a couple minutes of work out in the hall I was able to put forth a decent enough effort I suppose, certainly my best under the circumstances. Anna called afterwards to tell me I did a good job, which was super sweet, but I think we’d both be surprised if I got the part. Once you get to call backs, there’s just so much that is out of your hands. A lot of it comes down to looks, and who they think will work well with each other. Telling myself that booking the call back is just as important as booking the job is a skill I haven’t quite mastered, but I’m trying. It’s hard.

Then my birthday is tomorrow. I always feel weird about planning my own party, but I invited anyone/everyone to join me at the Double Windsor, a sweet little bar here in Brooklyn tomorrow night. It’s low-key and I thought it would be nice to have an easy night with Mike and Moy’s wedding this Thursday (congrats!). Of course, I found out today that some of my friends won’t be able to come because it conflicts with Mike’s bachelor party, and now I feel bad. But if I have to be surrounded by the ladies on my birthday, I suppose that isn’t too terrible either Joking aside, I don’t like the date of my birthday putting my friends in a tough spot. Like casting, it’s nothing I have control over. Ugh.

And then there’s the fact I’m about to get past the age where I can joke about whether or not I’m qualified to be an adult. I work, pay rent, buy groceries, cook, try to find happiness. I feel that maybe %10 of the things I do with my time are worth noting.  I’m not old, but I don’t feel young.

So to recap: My Birthday is tomorrow, my friends are wonderful, and I did a good job at my call back. So why do I feel so down?